Scratches, cuts and scars

I don't have many memories from when I was a kid, I've forced myself to repress many memories, now my brain just forgets things as soon as they happen. It's ironic though, my sister used to make fun of me for always saying things like "do you remember when I was (so young) and I/you/we...." I think it was around the time when I first left my house that I started to repress them. I remember bits and pieces only because of notes that I have saved, either that I wrote or were addressed to me.
I wrote in one of my middle school planners "Eddy special, special Eddy". Eddy referring to me. There was an entire story in there from cover to cover about how Eddy was going to die. It wasn't very detailed as I was trying to portray a person who required special education. 
Eddy special, special Eddy. Eddy's going to die. Eddy likes blood. Eddy's own blood. Eddy likes to cut. Eddy's arms and fingers. Eddy's going to die.
Of course, it was a lot longer t…

Let's Try This Again....

My name is Clarissa, I have depression, anxiety, the occasional panic attack, migraines/chronic headaches and even though I have attempted to commit suicide around, ohhh.... 4 times (twice were quite recently) but there's nothing wrong with me; or so I'd like to think.
I started this blog many, many, MANY years ago. I had a healthy number of readers. But as anxiety crept in, I got scared and just as quickly as I started...I stopped. But fear or not, let's try this again.
Here are is the story of the first time I realized, even though there's nothing wrong with me, I still needed a little help.

Thanksgiving night, 2010. Driving up the five freeway, no one on the road but me. The grapevines are coming up; desolate, dry and dead even at eleven o'clock at night it is easy to tell. They look how I feel: bitter and uncared for. Heater on high but the burn coming from the vents are unable to warm my face that have a cool, steady stream of tears running down them. The radio…